Ten Things That You Don't Say to Your Grandkids

By Mike Slosberg

Slips of the tongue are a grandparent's providence. Just beware the biggies.

1. “I agree with you, darling. I think a snake would be a wonderful pet. Don't worry; I'll talk to your parents."

Regardless of the animal or reptile involved, you're on a slippery slope. Obviously you are being used as a flying wedge. Stay out of it.

2. “When you're in my house, you can do anything you want.”

This is a no-no, unless your grandchild is auditioning for the new reality show " America 's Dumbest Activities."

3. “Mommy tells me she wants you to go on a diet. Really! You're not that fat.”

Okay to say to your evil co-worker. Never to your chubby grandchild.

4. “For a boy, you have the most beautiful eyelashes.”

Alternatively, if addressing your granddaughter, avoid saying, “For a girl, you're really big-boned.”

5. “You know, your mommy and daddy used to drink a great deal when they were younger."

If this were a football game the comment would draw a flag on the play. The offending grandparent will receive a 15-yard penalty and a possible season suspension.

6. “Your essay sounds brilliant to me. Obviously your teacher is an idiot.”

One of the sadder phenomena of recent years is the assumption that when a teacher says anything critical of a student, it is assumed the teacher is wrong. This, along with really lousy pay, makes me marvel at why anyone wants to be a teacher. Don't try to make points with your little genius by undermining the lesson his teacher is trying to impart. That is, unless you want the reincarnation of James Dean for a grandchild.

7. “If I ever find out you have a tattoo I'll kill myself.”

Talk about guilt! This is right up there with our parents' version of “Finish your broccoli. Don't you know the children in Europe/Bangladesh/Ethiopia are starving?”

8. “That lovely little girl, the one I met at your house last week, is she your girlfriend?”

Without question, you are on very thin ice here. Absolutely nothing is more embarrassing to a 7- to-14-year-old boy or girl than the outing of his or her social life.

9. "Of course you should have a curfew for your prom, dear. I remember your mother stayed out very late at her senior prom. I ended up having to take her to visit that so-called doctor on Railroad Street ."

Agreeing with the parents that the child needs a curfew is a smart move for a grandparent. But don't let your support turn into the launching pad for a story best forgotten.

10. “You hardly ever call me, and you know, Granny's not getting any younger. As a matter of fact, if you ever come over to see me, I'd like you to choose a few things you'd particularly like to have, so when I'm gone, you can take them.”

Oh, boy! Passive/aggressive in the extreme. It's the stuff of nightmares, not to mention years of intense psychoanalysis. Are you happy now?