Love May Not be Security

There are truths of the universe that cannot be altered. Gravity will always be the same, anywhere in the world. Aging is another truth that will happen with each sunrise and each sunset. Life would be easier if everything were so concrete.

Love is a grand and wonderful thing,

And to fall in love is like Paris in spring.

We, as women, have a “Venus” wired mind, reasoning that when we fall in love, or someone loves us, we have a safe blanket of security. Women are born with a “mother-bear-instinct” that intuitively tells us to fiercely protect what we love. This intuition of protection can be true for men also, and found in many walks of life.

But here is something to consider: It is not always an automatic instinct. People who have been hurt have an automatic instinct to protect themselves first. Fear takes the place of that protective intuition and displaces chivalrous actions.

I know a woman who got into some trouble as a teen during her summer trip to church camp. Some of the kids had brought a bottle of liquor, and being mischievous as kids often are, she joined in the sneak-around excitement of experimenting. Unaware of what she was really getting into, she unwittingly got drunk, and caught. She was sent home felling scared, sorry and vulnerable. Here is where the verse, “…love covers a multitude of sins” can be put into action. Her father's loving instinct should have provided sound, fair correction within the security of the family. A sit-down discussion, explanation, appropriate boundaries, repentance and love are the steps to correction and healing in a parent/child relationship.

But instead, when the teen returned home, she was met with outrage and disappointment. Harsh scolding and an unhearing ear was her father's disposition. He was the senior pastor of a church, and he was fearful that his daughter's mistake would tarnish his reputation. So rather than covering her sin with love, he marched her down to the private school she attended (although out for the summer) and shamefully accused her to the principal. Thus, the father was able to “publicly announce” that she was away from his ‘control' and he had nothing to do with it, thereby washing his hands of the immediate responsibility. Also he hoped to accomplish enough shameful remorse in her, that she would never do such a thing again, sealing his reputation for the future. Knowing that her Christian school had a no-tolerance policy, she was expelled, tearfully separating her from her cheerleading position and friends.

Did her father love her? I'm sure he did, but fear displaced that love, and created an unsafe home environment. Did his tactics work? No.

Like a slave standing on the auction platform,

is openly exposing a loved-ones mistake or sin.

The pain drove the girl's heart away and she became rebellious. The fearful actions of the father broke his relationship with his daughter, and she then, unable to cope in her immaturity, ran from her relationship with the Lord. How could she trust God with her life if she could not trust her own family to protect her? She led a wanton life for years.

This cycle is played out in many relationships.

The grandson who was dishonorably discharged from the military is openly denounced by the grandfather who is fearful for his family's reputation. The boy needs to be heard, forgiven and loved, and repent. A loving one-on-one would give him strength to be more honorable in the future.

A woman has a completely innocent business discussion with a male co-worker, but it is reported to her husband as a “cozy talk”. The husband should defend his wife's integrity, dismissing the accuser until he is able to privately discuss the matter with his wife. When she tells him the truth of her innocence, he should cover the issue with love; drop it, giving no place to the devil. Instead, the jealous husband demands his wife quit her job, putting the family at financial risk. Although she has always been faithful, he is fearful, due to hurt he suffered in a previous relationship. Does he love his wife? Yes, but fear creates in him self-protection/self-security, over sound judgment for the financial security of the family and faith in his wife.

I hope this illuminates your understanding, untangling the confusing belief that love always equals security.

1John 4:17 in says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

When those who suffer with the pain of fear – fear of reputation, fear of failure, fear of embarrassment – understand the perfect love their heavenly father has for them , there will be a new strength and grace to let go of self protection. Mercy and forgiveness will be more freely given to others.

When a person has faith in their loving relationship with the Lord, they will gain the courage to walk nobly in 1Peter 4:8, “Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others].

If there is someone in your life who has caused you pain or embarrassment, take a moment to reflect on how God in His mercy has forgiven you. Cast that care on the Lord and trust Him to work in the heart of your loved-one. Doing your part sets you up for success by freeing them to be in the capable hand of God.

I sincerely hope you have at least one loving, secure relationship in your life, but nevertheless, remember that Jesus provides your ultimate protection and security.

Psalm 91:2 says, “I will say of the Lord, he is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”

This month, let love flow from you. Who knows if you will be the one to provide a blanket of protection for someone in need of love?

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This article is dedicated to women everywhere. Please let me hear from you! Email me at Sher@DesignBySher.com.